Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just want nice things and good sex
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
