you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
