Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
