I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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