it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
