He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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