So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
