Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
