I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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