im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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