Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
