I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
