I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
