just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
