Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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