Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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