my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
