she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
