Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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