when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
