You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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