Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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