I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
