i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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