a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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