Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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