You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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