She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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