Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
