I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
