nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
