We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
