Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
