My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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