She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
