Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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