Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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