there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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