Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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