i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
