We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
