All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
