"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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