Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
worst night to have a conscience
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
