I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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