Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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