I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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