I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
