She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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