____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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