Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
